I had a wonderful first Mothers Day.
I slept in (We didn't go to church, don't tell anyone!) and when I woke up, Russ had Lila down stairs, with my favorite band playing and he was making breakfast! Beignets!
Russ can give Café Du Monde in New Orleans a run for their money with his Beignets!
Perfection. And not high in fat at all.
Russ has this sweet gift on the couch waiting for me. He always makes the best homemade thoughtful cards. He even did a great job of picking out this bag, and had many of my favorite things inside! He is the sweetest and always so thoughtful and full of surprises.
Being a mother is the best, hardest, most stressful, most rewarding, scariest, amazing thing that has ever happened to me.
I still look at her in absolute amazement that I grew her in my stomach, she came out perfectly, and am I raising her to be a mother one day.
When I was pregnant with Lila I just felt...well pregnant. So many people would say, "Don't you just feel such a connection with her, and feel so protective over her already and you haven't even met her?!"
Well...no. I don't feel that. I don't feel that at all. I was so embarrassed to admit that and I never did, but that's exactly how I felt. I felt fat, I missed my feet-they were now big stumps that barely held my body up (thank goodness I took that toe ring off when I did. I would have missed that toe).
I thought it was amazing when I felt her move and so cool when she would have the hiccups, but did I feel like she was my baby, and protective over her? Nope.
I was terrified going into labor that they would put her on my chest and I would feel the same way.
The labor part didn't go exactly how I planned and I didn't get to see her right away, but MAN OH MAN! I have never in my life felt that way. An instant love, and instant feeling of heaven and angels and an absolute MIRACLE!
I remembering staring at her tiny fingers, and toes and knees and chin, oh man I love that chin, and realizing that this was heaven on earth.
Then almost at that same time was fear. Why is her hand hurt? Where are you taking her? Russ! Go with her, I don't know where they are taking her! I don't know what those lumps in her arm is, I don't know why she has an open flesh wound etc etc.
Those few weeks figuring out what was wrong with her hand was awful. I have never ever cried more, prayed more, and felt so completely helpless in my life. I worried she would never use it. She would never learn to crawl. Would she be able to play sports growing up? Would she be made fun of? The thought of her being made fun of CRUSHED me. I remember riding in the back of the car while Russ drove us home from my parents house and just weeping. Uncontrollably weeping thinking of her being made fun, and how was I going to be the kind of mother to teach her to be confident and teach her to have the attitude that she could do whatever she wanted one handed.
Then, there was a tiny movement in one of her fingers and the joyful tears were slowly replacing the frightened tears. And then another finger would move and before you know, she is moving her wrist!
I'm super grateful for prayer, I'm super grateful mine were heard, and to answer all of those questions before, YES I feel protective and a connection that I cant explain.
She makes me truly want to be a better person and example. She makes me want to be a more patient person, a more playful person, a happier natured person, a silly person, a spiritual person, and the best dang example I could ever be for her.
Luckily, she has an amazing father to make up for my many shortcomings but I am truly a blessed person to be a Mom, and more importantly a Mom to her.
All those first nights and the many many many hours of no sleep, the night having her right by my side when she couldn't breathe from Croup and sitting out with her on the front porch at 2 in the morning in the middle of winter, the many nights of running into her nursery in the middle of the night because I was too anxiety filled over SIDS and needing to check on her for the 8th time that hour, I realize are all just the beginning of a lifetime of worry. But those happy moments of her clapping for the first time, giving kisses for the first time, her first time rolling over, seeing her crawl with BOTH hands, making her laugh, her making us laugh, watching her learn things - all those amazing moments trump all.
She has been an absolute angel of a baby. I cant wait to see her grow and change and learn. Im scared to death to have to watch her go through her trials, but hope I am half the Mom mine was while I went through mine.
My goal in life is to have her look back on her childhood and love it.